Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tales From My Inbox

Earlier last month, for what reason I'll never know, I decided to sift through my junk e-mail. There was the usual crap: sweepstake offers, penis enlargement offers, messages from my mother, not to mention unsettling combinations of the three. One item, however, was titled "Love vs. Sex," and caught my eye. Now, I have a great fondness for the former and a, well, nodding acquaintance with the latter, so I'll admit I was intrigued by the title, not least of all by the use of a "vs."

"Love will win," I predicted as I clicked on the title, expecting to witness the battle to end all battles. What I got, however, was so much more. So. Much. More.

A teenage girl about 17, the e-mail began, had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.

“Oh no!” I yelled aloud when I finished the first paragraph. “No good can come of this!” I was hooked. I had to read on. Sure enough, my concerns were not misplaced. On her walk home, the protagonist, who I soon discovered to be named Diane, decided to take a shortcut through an alleyway…

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

“Bad news bears!” I exclaimed. What was she going to do, I wondered. Would she simply turn back, like a rational being? Would she take out her cell phone and call a friend? Would she start audibly complaining about her “damn herpes?” Nay…

She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.

While this was not the most obvious choice, it seemed to have worked, as she was able to pass right by him and make it to her house safely. All’s well that ends well, it seems.

BUT WAIT! There’s more! Apparently the next day, Diane was reading the news, and discovered that a young girl had been raped in the very same alleyway just twenty minutes after Diane had been there. I’m a bit confused as to how a story of a local raping that occurred fairly late in the night could appear in the newspaper the very next morning, but that’s so not the point.

So Diane, the e-mail says, started weeping at this tragedy, but also made sure to thank the Lord for her own safety, because she’s awesome. Anyways, she then decided to go to the police station. It seems the rape victim, in addition to being a heathen, was also suffering from a short attention span, because the rapist still had to be identified. Which Diane did, forcing the rapist to confess.

Now here’s the kicker:

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

, the e-mail concluded, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God?

Repost this as Love vs. Sex if you truly believe in God.

"Ah," I thought, reading the last sentence, "so that explains the misleading title." Was I angered, however, by the deception? Hardly. On the contrary, I was thankful. Thankful that I had been (mis)led to read this frankly enlightening piece.

Now I knew: if I ever faced a dark stranger in an alley, all I had to do was pray for God's protection. Does it work? I've been praying for God's protection for the past month, and I can happily report that I'm rape-free. Thank you, random classmate who I never normally talk to! Your chain-mail saved my life!

But now that I had been enlightened, what was I going to do about it?

I printed off about 50 copies, and started to distribute them around. Only I didn't use the title "Love vs. Sex." I didn't feel the title did the piece justice. My revised title called it out for what it was: "Avoiding Rape." I even sent a few copies to the local rape ward (or "Unbelievers Central," as I now call it), with a note attached at the end:

Kinda obvious, when you think about it, eh? I know it's "too late" etc. etc., but thought I'd send it anyways. After all, "Fool me Twice" and all that.


What's more, I can safely say that after having read that e-mail, I'm now part of the 2 percent of people who stand up for God. The next time I see bullies kicking sand in God's face, I'll take them aside and say "Hey. Stop that. How'd you like it if someone kicked sand in YOUR face?"

And they won't be able to respond, because they'd know that they wouldn't like it at all.


Daniel Warth said...

Christians may not get raped, but Indians don't have to pay taxes.

Limeyninja said...

Are you related to Corey Feldman. John Baxter told me you are.

Aaron said...

Why must John Baxter turn my blog into a house of lies?

Stephanie Mihajlovic said...

You've really opened my eyes... lol send me this e-mail