Tuesday, March 13, 2012

An open letter to the Norwegian Nobel Committee

Dear Sirs,

You probably don't know me, but my name is Aaron Feldman. I'm 25 years old, and live in Toronto, Canada. I'm writing to you today because I would like you to consider my name when deciding on the nominees for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. I am currently unemployed.

I have always cared deeply about those less fortunate than me. In fact, my parents tell me that when I was five years old they took me to a mall Santa. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him world peace.

Even though helping those less fortunate has been an interest of mine for a long time, it wasn't until only a few years ago that I began putting my philanthropy into action. In 2010, I participated in my first endeavour to make the world a better place; in order to stop child abuse, I changed my Facebook profile picture into that of a cartoon character. I chose the character Braveheart the Lion, a member, appropriately enough, of the Care Bears. Thanks to the new profile picture, I managed to prevent what I can only assume to be countless cases of child abuse across the world.

While this act alone would probably have been enough for me to comfortably associate myself with the Tutus, the Mandellas, and the Gyatsos of the world, my work did not stop there. Fast forward to 2011, when I decided to turn my attention to Prostate Cancer. In order to combat this wicked disease that claims probably-a-lot of lives a year, I, for the first time in my life, spent the month of November growing a moustache. This was not without its hardships, as within only a week the moustache had become a bit itchy. By two weeks, it had become very itchy. But I persevered, because of my devotion to the cause. By the end of the month, my moustache had become a force to be reckoned with, one that I’m sure gave comfort to any prostate cancer victims who happened to come across it.

Some people may have been satisfied with their contributions at this point, and they wouldn’t be wrong. But awareness campaigns, as far as I’m concerned, are like Pringles. One is never enough. After that, I became something of a Mother Theresa, only instead of focusing solely on lepers, I was spreading awareness for EVERY cause. Changing my profile picture to the colour pink for Breast Cancer. Changing it to a photograph of a grandparent for Alzheimer’s. Tweeting the lyrics to John Lennon’s Imagine to raise awareness for war mines. Changing my profile picture back to pink to support the search for a cure for homosexuality. As far as I was concerned, there was no such thing as a disease with too high a profile.

However, the crowning achievement in my campaign for world embetterment came only a few days ago, when someone posted a video by a group called Invisible Children, talking about the violence in Uganda, where children were being abducted and forced to fight in Joseph Kony’s militia. Not only did I watch the entire (29 minute!) video, but once I got to the end of the video, I stretched out my right index finger (my “awareness finger” as I like to call it) and clicked on “share this video”. Problem the fuck solved.

Now, I know that there are many great candidates for this prestigious award, and will not be sorely offended if you decide to overlook my accomplishments. After all, Gandhi never received a Nobel Peace Prize for all the work he did on behalf on the Indians (sorry, “Native Americans!”). That being said, I can honestly think of no better candidate for the job.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go send a needy child a picture of my favourite food.

All the best,

Aaron Feldman


Anonymous said...

As a member of the Nigerian Nobel Peace Price committee, you certainly have the qualifications to be considered. Please sned 5,000 Kroners to the Nigerian Nobel Peace Prize committee to continue your application.

Thank you Prince Nmubutu Baguirmi Fenuku Esq.

Ned Van Flame said...

As a member of the North Korean Peace Prize committee, we completely deny your right to win any prize in the present, future, afterlife, or after after life. (or death). Your dreams of world peace are not only ridiculous, but rude too. Dreams of world peace will not get North Korea's vote for the Nobel peace prize. Wait a minute, don't read that sentence to closely.

Please send fifteen won, three hot dogs, and two-thirds of a nuclear missile by air mail to the Presidential Shack (look for the straw building with the limo in front) as payment for our reviewing of your application.

Thank you,
The people of North Korea

Juan da Fuca said...

As a member of the Russian Peace Prize committee, you may have a chance to win. All you need to to is send us 2 nuclear missiles,5 hot pockets, 8 belugas and 6900 rubles to the super secret nuclear missile factory and America destruction planner room under the Laptev Sea off of the coast of Siberia. The coordinates are 79 degrees north and 102 degrees East.

Thank you,
The Mexican-Russian committee

Tuuhhtles said...

Hi Aaron. Good luck on winning the Nobel Prize!